First time sex

The blog formerly known as The Virginity Project

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No introductions nessesary…

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We are in a virginity hotspot.

I received this email from Chloe*……

Billy meet Chloe

Chloe meet Billy

Dear Kate

I actually am still a virgin even though I am going to be thirty years old this June. I went to Catholic school until my junior high, age fifteen, and a Catholic girls school for one year where a nun is the headmaster who was very popular among students for being very strict.

My family, especially my mother herself, is also rather conservative. So I turned out to be rather a conservative person as well, especially regarding matters related to sex. I have been taught since I was little that a good and nice girl would save her virginity until her first night after her wedding for her husband.

I suppose it is probably due to my experience overseas, where I got to meet different people from different countries and backgrounds that I had my mind opened up to new ideas, I became more open-minded. And now after having different experiences and listening to different ideas, I am torn and it feels as if I am in front of a crossroad and if I decided to take one of the two paths, I would not be able to go back.

On one hand, I have this idea that I would be perceived and perhaps even feel myself less worthy in front of a future significant other who is still a virgin, (perhaps having similar background like mine), since the teachings from Catholic classes and from my mother are so ingrained in me.

On the other hand, I also think that if I would like to have a good marriage, it would be probably wise to find out before whether the two of us are compatible and a potential problem like the sex life can be resolved or at least understood before getting married.

My biggest fear is that since I have very little experience even in the foreplay area since I have never had a long-term boyfriend to explore with, the problem is probably going to be from my side.

Recently, as I project that I probably will not marry nor find a long-term significant other, and if it is not such a big deal about losing virginity especially the thought that it is not as glorious as a lot of people perceive, I am considering that I probably should change the way I perceive virginity – in particular mine.

I am not sure why I am writing to you actually, and by now after writing this long, I am a little bit tempted just to erase the e-mail. However, I suppose my curious side won the battle and I was wondering if there are people who are torn about this matter like me as well?

I suppose it is rather a nice feeling to know that I am not the only person who is having doubts about this and it would be even nicer to be able to discuss it as well.

Best wishes

Chloe

Would anyone like to feedback to Chloe?

Please comment or email me: katemonroe@yahoo.com

*All names changed to protect identity.

5 responses

  1. fer_toronto Avatar
    fer_toronto

    I understand you (I am a man). I was also raised in a catholic school, but later turned into a scientist, that ended up turned me very liberal.
    Since my college times I was very shy, and anxious, so I never felt like having a gf (I’m not bad looking), therefore I concentrated on my studies (college & PhD), and became very career driven.
    Now I just turned 28, I feel like waking up, I got tons of regrets about the experiences lost, and fell into depression. I immediately seek for help (psychotherapist), he told me that he had treated “late bloomers” before, and told me that he’s been successful helping them get partners (firstly by helping them find themselves, and decide what do they want from life, and later focusing on self-esteem and confidence), and even sex (no I don’t know anything about marriages, but I think that will take some years to find).
    I’m smart, know how to take care of myself, I just lack of intimacy education. I’m pretty sure that, if I get the opportunity of getting a gf I will catch up fast and will learn anything I need to make her happy very quick.
    But that is not enough, I have to start hunting love, and take the risk to date as many women as I can and try to find the right one regardless of the how she looks, cause I feel like experience is really needed if you seek a lifetime partner, and I can’t wait for it any longer, time is running against me.
    I would recommend you to get help from a psychotherapist or sexologist, help yourself to know you, know what do you want, and try to start dating asap. I’m sure you are a very good person, and now 30s are the new 20s, so you still have the chance to find your soul mate. But please, start dating, give a chance to any good man to make you fell in love of him.
    There are billions of people in the world, your case is not unique, people have done a pretty good job finding love, even if they were virgins, never dates, suffer from social phobia, are very shy, are very religious, etc.
    But you have to look for the cure by yourself.
    I wish you good luck.

    Reply
  2. The Virginity Project Avatar
    The Virginity Project

    Check out the post on March 8th too…..

    Reply
  3. Tiffany Avatar
    Tiffany

    I too grew up in a very Catholic family, and I was taught the same things as you, that good girls wait. But when I went off to college I met a wonderful man that I love very much but he was married before has 2 children, and had a relationship after the divorce.
    So I feel silly that I waited for someone who does love me very much, but that he didn’t wait for me specifically. We are getting married in less than a week and we have had sex and I don’t regret it, and he doesn’t look at me as less than. (Why would a significant other look down on you anyway?)
    There is no shame in having sex with someone you are committed to very deeply, reguardless of marital status. I just wish I’d have taken advantage of the same opportunities my fiance did instead of torturing my high school and junior college boyfriends! People are sexual creatures and you can try to deny it, but it only makes it worse if sex is really what you want.
    If you want help learning more about sex you should watch Talk Sex with Sue Johansen on Oxygen, she is a nurse from Canada that takes sex questions from live callers on t.v. (She’s also written some books as well.) You should also study the Kama Sutra.
    I think it is silly that some parts of society make something natural like sex seem “dirty.” It is normal. There is nothing wrong with you!

    Reply
  4. Serena Avatar
    Serena

    I can relate to Chloe’s feelings. Although a Muslim myself, I have held similar views of how I expect to conduct my life and specifically, how I wish to remain a virgin until I marry. That is not to say that I have not had ANY sexual experiences in the past, but I have certainly not taken the plunge and had full sexual intercourse. Notwithstanding this, I am very open-minded and do not judge others. I have no problem with others having active sex lives. I always felt that given the value of chastity in Islam and my religious beliefs which state that pre-marital sex is wrong, I would not want my having lost my virginity before marriage to become an issue between me and my future husband and as such, would prefer to have my first experience of full sex with them.
    The basis of this was simply that I was raised to believe that I should remain a virgin until marriage in line with koranic teachings (not dissimilar to the bible and torah). That said, pre-marital sex is as common amongst young Muslims today as everyone else and so it is likely that any man I marry would not be a virgin. Strangely, that doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I would prefer them to know what they are doing even though the “ban” relates to both sexes!
    As I am still single and now in my early thirties it is with a heavy heart that I face the posibility that I may never marry – which saddens me in itself – but added to this is the fear that based upon my own moral code, this would deny me the chance to experience sex and the intimacy experienced by the two individuals partaking.
    It further upsets me to consider that this experience might remain elusive to me for the rest of my life and I am therefore forced to ponder that perhaps I should have pre-marital sex in any event. I am told by my male friends that I am a very sexual person and I am aware of my own desires and urges as I masturbate frequently. So I am coming round to the idea that perhaps I should breach my own standard and have sex even without a husband. My preference of course would be to experience this with someone with whom I can form some kind of meaningful, trusting, emotional bond (and have sexual chemistry with!) so as to avoid the lifelong regret of never having experienced sex. However, perhaps I should consider a brief encounter if only to give me the release I now feel I desperately require! Regretfully, I am not altogether convinced that I will find a life partner as I so desperately wish to do, so maybe this is not a bad option? I have been unlucky in love to date so accept that I may not be fortunate enough to have the happy ending.
    I truly wish to experience sex and believe that if I were to lose my virginity now and still marry at some future point, this would be something that my future husband would simply have to live with. After all, if hey are not a virgin, how can they expect me to be? Is it truly realistic to expect any man or woman to remain a virgin into their third decade? Religious views aside, humans feel desire, lust, etc and these needs are inevitably present amongst us all. So like Chloe, I have begun to form the opinion that perhaps virginity is overrated – life experience of all aspects/varieties is more valuable. We all want to LIVE.
    Maybe if I do have sex now I will regert it if I later come to meet someone who then becomes my husband, as my ideal scenario is to have sex with my spouse above all others. However, perhaps I have to accept that this is just not a realistic proposition and that life cannot be predicted and occasionally we have to use our judgement to make those tough calls which challenge our very ideologies.
    This is a difficult decision for me given my age – most people have been having sex for at least a decade at this age – but I take the view that it is not unreasonable to consider that a single man/woman would probably have had sex at least once by this age. I have always ensured any encounters of my own have stopped short of intercourse but even these have been few and far between because up to now, I guess I just haven’t trusted myself to not get too carried away…

    Reply
  5. The Virginity Project Avatar
    The Virginity Project

    Thank you for your very honest contribution Serena. You highlight such a common issue. Regardless of race, religion, age, background, whatever, we are all sexual beings. You cannot get past this. We are human and as such, we (usually) crave the close contact of other human beings in whatever format that may take.
    In the end, for me at least, if a man did not want me because he couldn’t ‘take’ my virginity, he would fundamentally not be the sort of man I would be looking for – but I realise its a lot easier for me to say this than it is for you.
    The best advice I could offer would be to say ‘follow your heart’ Serena, safe in the knowledge that you have made the best decision for YOU – and nobody else.

    Reply

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