‘You still haven’t convinced me that the traditional definition of penetration isn’t the correct one’.

My eyes flicked to the last line of this morning’s email from John, my regular religious commentator. Funny, I thought, I hadn’t realized that I was trying to convince anyone about the traditional definition of virginity loss. But perhaps subconsciously, I am. Because as I go about my virginity related travels, I feel less and less inclined to commit to one definition.

Of course, I understand the general concept. I come from a generation of young people who leapt straight to the main course without worrying about the starters, or courtship as it was known in the days of my grandparents. A dictionary confirms it:

‘Virgin noun 1 a person, esp a woman, who has never had sexual intercourse. 2 (the Virgin) RC Church a name for Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ – adj 1 never having had sexual intercourse; chaste. 2 in its original state; never having been used. (13c: from Latin virgo maiden)’

Hmmm, well as long as we are in agreement about what ‘sexual intercourse’ involves then we have an answer. My Mac dictionary decrees it thus:

‘Sexual Intercourse – an act carried out for reproduction or pleasure involving penetration, especially one in which a man inserts his erect penis into a woman’s vagina.’

‘Especially’. I like that. They are not quite committing themselves to the idea of virginity loss being exclusively heterosexual, but almost. This is partly my issue. The further I travel, i.e. the more people I interview, the more I see that virginity loss is a personal matter.

This feels particularly compelling at the moment, because I met a woman on last week’s course who had never ‘had sex’. Tiny, dark and tearful, she sat and talked us through the barriers that had stopped her from ‘joining the human race’. Family expectations, religion, a huge commitment to her professional life, herself. Age forty-three, this is about to change. And as she tiptoes toward this experience, I feel impelled to tell her that virginity loss can be anything you want it to be.

If we choose to let go of definitions, we can experience millions of first times every day, You’ll never forget the first time you kiss someone you really want to kiss. Or the first time you come. And the first time you lie in the company of someone you can truly be yourself with. Some of us arse around for years before we get to that point. Losing your virginity can be a process as much as anything. We don’t stop having first times. In fact, I would argue, the ones we have as we get older are the better for it.

Enjoy it all I say, and don’t forget to make it up as you go along.