As Billy, a 25 year old virgin from the USA pointed out to me last month, ‘Surely you don’t believe that everyone on the planet loses their virginity?’

His point was taken and a chasm duly opened. For all of you virgins out there who think you are ‘the only ones’, let me assure you that you are not. The response, in terms of your emails, has been overwhelming. There is not a lot of space, it seems, for people who have not chosen to be virgins. With one arm, society buffets young people toward abstinece or ‘waiting for the right one’, and ‘the perfect relationship’. With the other, it pushes those who bypass the universal non-virginity club into the corner of the room, along with every other person who never got picked for the metaphorical school sports team.

These people are everywhere – but remain invisible. Because rightly or wrongly, society deems them an abberation or ‘not the norm’. For all these reasons, I am glad to provide the space for you to speak, with the additional hope, that when you do lose your virginity, in the words of Cilla Black, ‘you come back to tell us all about it.’

Here, Chloe, a twenty-nine year old Roman Catholic from Indonesia, responds to Billy….

Billy: I used to think it was my extreme introversion that caused it, but I
don’t believe that anymore. I don’t believe it because, as this blog’s
main page so simply states, virginity is lost “no matter who we are or
where we come from”. And with relationships being partially a game of odds, eventually you’re going to get a hit, introvert or otherwise.

Chloe: I am rather introvert; however, a lot of times my extrovert side could take over and I can be friendly and talkative. So I agree that being introvert does not mean necessarily mean why we are not what is considered ‘successful’ in the relationship area…and also I agree about relationships being the game of odds, but I have to say from what I’ve seen it does seem to be a rather odd game, where there are certain rules, even unspoken rules, that only people who have been in the game long enough would understand.

Billy: Now I’m at a point where I feel it’s too late. Or rather, I haven’t
completely decided what I feel yet, but ‘too late’ is a popular thought.
Heck, half the time, I’m convinced a relationship isn’t even
something that I want. It’s frustrating, because thinking about this
obviously accomplishes very little. And the more I think, the more time
passes and the further behind, and more frustrated, I become.

Chloe: I suppose it does make it a different story if you don’t want a relationship or are still not sure you want it or not. For my case, I do know I want it. I probably idealise a relationship and the almost ‘perfect’ soulmate and some of my friends suggested it is probably why I haven’t found the person to have long-term relationship with.

Billy: My rationalization is that since most people start in their mid to late
teens, that’s a decade of experience that any potential mate
would have under her belt, (in a matter of speaking). And like absolutely
every skill of value, the more practice and experience you get, the
better you become.

Chloe: This is probably true. I don’t think people can tell I’m that sexually conservative since I just do what other people in my age who live in big cities do. I go clubbing when I feel like dancing and even though I’m not much of a drinker and my head is always clear in the club scene, I do sometimes get ‘accidental’ kisses from drunk acquaintances and this is when it hits me how inexperienced I am, since I don’t, or wouldn’t know how to respond.

I physically enjoy it sometimes, especially if it’s from a guy I am attracted to but still the fear I must admit is that I don’t know how to kiss and even fear that I might be a bad kisser. Let alone the fear whether I’m good in bed or not…some friends suggested me to ‘practise’ with some guy even though I would not have a relationship with him, just for the sake to practise. I can see the purpose of this, yet my conservative streak just can’t make me. I suppose I consider having a relationship not a play where you can ‘use’ somebody, just for the sake of practice.

Billy: Movies and television often portray relationships as fated encounters that defy explanation, and many people are subdued into believing this. I would wager that these people are of the mindset that a relationship is something out of our control that just ‘happens’, rather than a skill to be honed.

Chloe: Exactly what I’ve been brought up to believe, that relationships will happen when the time is right and when you meet the right person. It can even be your friend whom you grow to love more and more over time, which is sort of considered a good practice back home, instead of going to a pub/bar/club to ’meet’ somebody. But I wouldn’t wait in front a window of a tower to be rescued by a prince in shining armour, let’s put it that way. I would do my normal life, go out and socialise, meet new people when I have the chance.

Billy: Which is what brought me to your website in the first place. I was
searching for a site that tackled virginity from the virgin’s perspective.
Maybe a community of people who are virginal and beyond a reasonable
age, say twenty. But if such a place exists I haven’t found it yet, and if I
did would I even like who I’d found? What I did find was yet more
evidence that I’m in a startlingly small minority, which abruptly ended my
search.

Chloe: I am in my late twenties, actually this month is going to make me reach my thirties. I’m sure there are people back home who are similar with me, at least in terms of the values to keep his/her virginity till the day s/he is married.

However, since I have spent some time abroad, meeting people of different viewpoints, culture and values, I think I’m mixed up by now to put it simply. I have come to believe that our sexuality is not to be surpressed. Nor to be considered dirty. If it is a pleasure for some people, what is the sin to enjoy it – just like having pleasure in taking a bubble bath or eating your favourite chocolate? I still believe that it doesn’t sound right to consider sex as a light matter. I guess since I’ve never had it, which ever way you want to call it, oral one, anal one, or the ‘real’ one, I never had, so I don’t have the authority to say a strong opinion on this, but to me, making love is something so intimate, that it doesn’t sound right to just make such an intimate connection with people you don’t love, let alone some stranger.

And if we go back to the ‘practice’ issue, I believe that your emotions and feelings will take over and make things go naturally. I suppose a couple would learn about each other, what the partner likes or dislikes over time and it would make the ‘connection’ physically and emotionally better.

Billy: Well, I guess in the end I did have a fair bit to say. I could say more
but I’m not sure this is even what you’re looking for so I’ll stop here. It was still interesting for me to get some of this on paper. Writing has a way of forcing things into a somewhat meaningful order.

Chloe: Indeed. I can’t say I’m such a strong person that I will keep these values I’ve been saying above. I hope I am such a strong person, for the right reason… if the loneliness hasn’t broken me finally. I sometimes imagined maybe I would feel more free, as if released from something or probably feeling like I have no inhibition anymore, after I lost my virginity.  

I can wait for a person who does love me and would be patient to teach me and doesn’t have to jump to the sex part, but just the kissing, and the foreplay and how to be in a relationship. I’ve always thought I can find such person. I don’t think there is right nor wrong for this matter.

Sometimes even a solid rock can’t stand for long against strong flow of water let’s say. Or the rock probably is eroded little by little till it’s eventually gone. It’s just a metaphor…
 
Kate, I would like to thank you however to provide this forum. At least I know I’m not alone, even in liberal countries such as where Billy and Claire are from.
And to be able to talk about it does make me feel hopeful that this viewpoint that can be considered rare, can be viewed or even hopefully understood by others who have a different view.
 
Cheers,
****** aka Chloe