It all started last week as the morning parade of creatives, account managers and traffic personnel receded away from my desk and back into the carpet tiled nooks and crannies of a large London advertising agency. I settled in for a few hours of ‘work’, also known as googling the word ‘virgin’ and seeing what comes up. One wonders what the powers that be might think if they snooped around the browser on my PC. Note, PC. Not Mac. This last week has been a journey in more ways than one. My cursor doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going. I digress.

I was soon hot on the trail of a discussion thread on my new favourite online forum. Last week I mentioned my correspondence with various male virgins. Well folks, check one off the list this week because the boy has only gone and done it! Oh yes. Settle in for the ride. I might have to divide this into two posts because it was quite the journey. It goes a little bit like this:

‘I know it makes a difference who you are with, if you care/love them and how long you’ve been waiting for this. And of course being up on all the consequences, the protection required, etc, But I keep hearing this: the first time is largely over-rated.

Is it the universal truth, that the first time will be awkward, un-enjoyable, sweaty, clumsy, and poorly done, and worse, very painful for her? Or is it the clichéd fireworks setting off and 20,000 people in the room cheering? Maybe for the guy, the bad portions can be over-shadowed by the whole ‘OH MY GOD, I’M ACTUALLY HAVING SEX’ factor and the girl is painfully disappointed, and having wasted two minutes of her time. Just wondering, any inspirational takes or warnings I should heed?’

The comments came in thick and fast. Advice ranged from the absurd, (but funny):

‘Roughly speaking, I’d say sex can take the following paths:

It hurts her too much to continue
It hurts you too much to continue
Your genitals bleed
Her genitals bleed
You get scared
She gets scared
You lose your erection
She loses interest
The condom breaks
She cries
You cry
Parents/roommates walk in
You’re too drunk to continue
She’s too drunk to continue
It’s bad (for non-specific reasons)
It’s good
It’s great
It’s so good you can’t speak

That’s just a general listing from my brain. Over all, there are 18 possible combinations.’

Our hero wasn’t to be put off. Just yet.

‘Those are some odds there, but not enough to deter me. Thanks for the advice and all.’

….to a helpful and grounded approach:

‘It’s not, “The world stops spinning”. It is more to do with finding a new way of connecting to another person, (no, no, NO…..get your mind out of the gutter). On an emotional plane, that we can’t grasp before we’ve actually done it. In the sense of fireworks and unicorns, it is completely false. But going into it level headed and with both of you fully aware of what you are doing, not only to yourselves, but to each other as well, will open up a whole new world. Which can be mind boggling all in it self.

BTW. Most people doesn’t grasp this ‘connection’, the first time, like everything else, it takes Practice… (see where I’m going with this?)… and more practice. (Now you’re getting it…). The first time is like popping open a bottle of ketchup. First comes nothing, then you shake it a bit, still nothing and when you are about to shake it again, everything wells out all over your food before you even have time to react.’

Just like the ketchup bottle, our boy was shaken.

‘So, there is going to be some blood. Seriously…like a ketchup bottle beaten too hard? Gah. Or is that in reference to my stamina level? Either way. Tricky.’

A helpful reader suggested a practical solution:

‘Best bet is probably to make sure you come first then focus all your energy on making your partner feel good. When you are ready again, you are a bit calmer and in better control. Just make sure your partner is aware that this is just a way for you to deal with the anxiety. I’ve found that getting off quickly then focusing my attention fully on her pleasure to be the best way to rid oneself of most of the anxiety.’

Our hero responded.

‘Aiming too high. That has been the problem on my part, which in turn leads to a bit of doubting the self-confidence. The best part of all this, is that I’ve know this girl for a bit over three months and we’ve been friends before that. Having also found out she is on the girl’s soccer team just puts her right up there in my books. But lately it’s been impossible to talk to each other without this high level of sexual tension going on.

We’ve done the holding hands, and making out and enjoying that enough to take it to the next level. We’ve even got a date and time and location worked out. I know, or at least I feel, that she is as ready as I have been.’

Awesome, as the yanks say. We’re good to go. At which point, I thought we might lose him with this, the following post….

‘There have been a lot of males commenting on this thread…so I thought I’d throw in a female’s 2 cents…

You will most likely hurt her. It’s a fact. Sex hurts. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s something that has to be done to get to the pleasure. She’s just going to have to grit her teeth and bear it, and you should offer to stop if it hurts her too much. But if she still has her hymen, and hasn’t explored herself much, it will hurt. I didn’t bleed, but it fucking hurt like a bitch. I felt like I was going to be torn in two. Literally.

Feels great now, though. I just had to get through the first two weeks of sex, which SUCKED. After two weeks, everything sort of stretched out and all of a sudden it felt wonderful. Some women have no pain at all the first time, so who knows. She might be one of those lucky ones.’

Our boy came back.

‘This part has me a bit concerned. I’ll put aside my own feeling of awesomeness and be well of aware of when it’s hurting her.’

I decided to wade in with my own ten cents.

‘I have interviewed loads of people over the last year about virginity loss. To the lady who went into one about the pain…ok, it can be uncomfortable, it’s true. And possibly even quite painful for some…but I can’t help feeling that the more time you devote to your ladies pleasure and really making sure she is ready for the event, the better. Just don’t rush into the penetration bit, reaaaally take your time. There’s no hurry, it’s not a race!! Hope this helps.’

And this, from another concerned party:

‘I would suggest taking your time and exploring other sexual, but not intercourse interactions, i.e. hand-jobs, oral sex etc. Get to know your and her equipment and it will be easier to figure out how to insert tab A into slot B. Not everyone bleeds, (generally not a concern for guys). I wouldn’t do it when you were drunk. Oh yeah, and try to enjoy it.’

All is not lost.

‘Thanks for the boost of confidence. It means quite a bit for me to not go through this blindly in not knowing what to expect. I realize you can’t get a tutorial from the porn sites, so it has been a huge help receiving the advice and pointers from people here at the forum.

I want it to be an occasion of no regrets on her part. I don’t want her to be disappointed or put off from pain as well. I would really like this to be something she can recall, like, say, ten years from now, as a positive event. I’ve been hearing a lot about how underrated and disappointing it can be, but no doubt there’s got to be some good experiences.

Thanks for putting a realistic and reasonable take on this pretty significant step for me. I could do a follow-up post but I’m not sure you’d all want to be subjected to possible comedy/tragedy outcomes. Just to say that my calendars marked, I have the Trojans tm, and the advice has been absorbed. Now I’m in need of a cold shower or a run around the block…or something. So, another 48 hours or so, counting down on my last days of virginity. It’s been a bit distracting for the past while, as well bloody hard to focus on things!’

He did do a follow up post. Fret not. I’ll be back.